Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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