Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
