Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
