White coat. Heels.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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