Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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