I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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