apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
