quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Randomize
