I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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