You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize