you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
