What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize