as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
