I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
