and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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