my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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