don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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