I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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