I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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