This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I lost the right to judge tonight
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
