And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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