I am in a vortex of obligation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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