I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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