Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Randomize
