I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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