Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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