the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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