dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This toilet bowl is my home.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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