life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
