i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's shark week go big or go home
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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