Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize