I wanna bring you to show and tell
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
