I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
