So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
