You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
