my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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