and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
