whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
