I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
