He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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