I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
