my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
