I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
