he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
