I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
