You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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