im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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