matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
