you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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