We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
