I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
