is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
