Where is the hickey?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
