i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love you. Go after that dick
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
