I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
