i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
should my penis look like a turkey
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
