you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
