A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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