It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
