Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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