He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize