i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
