My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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