he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize